After Body Combat tonight I did some soul searching to try and find out what is causing my funk.
I have decided to enlighten everyone on how I am really feeling, but please keep in mind that they are feelings and neither right nor wrong. I feel like I have been having panic attacks in the last couple days. These have come with the feel like I am going to be a parent for the rest of my life, What did we get ourselves into. I am not sure why it has taken me almost 5 years to realize it to this depth. For the last 5 years I have always thought that I am glad that I am a young mom, imagine what I can still do when my kids are older. I will be 41 when Emmanuel turns 20. We didn't plan to have kids nearly as early as we did but I have always worked with it and thought it turned out great.
Please don't misunderstand me I love my kids so much and I wouldn't want my life another way I just have been wondering what life would have been if we waited to have our children. I miss the freedom and spontaneity of when we were first married.
I have been doing some soul searching and plan to do a lot more, I will also keep up with my classes as they have been really good for my heart and my body.
Evan believes that a lot off this is due to hormones, my hormones have been wacky the last couple weeks. Evan and I have been trying to have our third and last baby for a number of months already with no success yet. Evan thinks the stress of it is showing in different ways and my panic about the future is one way. This will be the last time that I talk about trying to conceive until we are pregnant as I don't want to turn this chapter in our life completely public. I just wanted to let everyone in on what I have been dealing with.
I know I will get through this and the funk will clear and things will look brighter. I need to keep trusting in God and relying on him.
I hope no one thinks of me or my opinions as I don't love my children, I love them dearly and just needed to vent and get somethings out of my head. Just typing what I am feeling in an honest way have relived stress already.
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Lost #2
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4 comments:
Don't worry, we know you love your kids. You are in my prayers.
Praying for you, Mel! I feel with you on some of those feelings.
Hormones, maybe. I think each Mom out there could share there own story about sometimes feeling "lost". We all question our lives at some point whether it be questioning having kids, when and how many, or maybe questioning where you're living or vocation. It's good time to think things over and see life in a new light. Keep your chin up, I know you love you kids, I also know that you'll wade through this!
Keep writing about your feelings... don't let what may others think get you down. Believe it or not people appreciate vulnerability like you showed in this post.
I completely understand your feelings...if I can give any advice keep seeking God- he is the only one who can give you what you need.
I know you absolutely love your kids...I think all moms reach that point at one time or another- because are we ever really ready to be moms? it's the hardest job out there. it's the only job that requires complete selflessness... and believe me that can wear you down.
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